News broke this week as it was discovered that popular content site The Odyssey has been forcing its writers to write their articles in group “writeshops.”
Jonathan Beersmac, a former English major at the University of Boston, spoke out against the site, claiming he had recently broken out from an Odyssey run complex.
“Oh yeah, it was bad. Really bad.” Beersmac said between mouthfuls of Nacho Cheese flavored Doritos, “Terrible really. I mean, I just can’t describe how bad it was. It was like, wow. Like, computers all over the place, you know, wires, closed windows. Man. I just can’t go on. It’s too hard.”
Beersmac continued to eat Doritos and stare out the window, occasionally taking a drink from a bottle of Mountain Dew that had been provided for him. When pressed for more information, Beersmac would refuse to comment, responding only with a shake of his head and a mumbling of something along the lines of, “Just not dank enough. Just wasn’t dank enough.”
What this statement means for the Odyssey is anybody’s guess.
Terry Eisner, Beersmac’s managing editor, confessed to knowledge of these “writeshops”.
“’Writeshops’? Sure. We’ve got ‘em. If by ‘writeshops’ you mean fully catered, three story complexes with air conditioning and brand new iMacs. If that’s what you mean, then, yeah, you’ve caught us.”
The state of the complex is contrary to Eisner’s claims. Upon investigation, no caterers actually deliver during lunch and the “iMacs” Eisner spoke about are actually little more than 2012 Macbook Pros. A deeper look inside the complex reveals a situation even more dire.
Jack Hogarth, a staff writer for the Odyssey offered his view of the situation: “Oh it’s bad. It’s really, really bad. Did you know I only get paid 12 bucks an hour? 12!? It’s crazy, really. I mean did you read my ‘Top 7 New York Restaurants You Love to Hate’? It’s a classic! I deserve a Pulitzer for that crap, and I get paid twelve bucks!”
When questioned about his writer’s working conditions, Eisner only stared blankly, muttered something about millennials being a warrior generation and took another sip from a bottle of pomegranate flavored Izze.
Odyssey CEO Evan Burns was contacted by phone for comment on the working conditions of his website, but refused to answer when questioned and only said that he was unable to hear over the sound of all the money he was making.
“Hear that?” There was a rustling on the other end of the line, “That’s a hunnert dollah bill, baby. Oh yeaaaah, Benji’s my mannnn.” This comment was followed by a click and the sound of a dial tone.
Bekah Ulear, former communications major at the University of California at Berkely, said that, despite all of this, she believed in the Odyssey’s mission. “It gives me a voice, and I don’t really think anybody else is doing that, not in the same way. I mean, how else would anybody be able to read my ‘Top 7 Reasons Trump Would Be a Terrible President’?”
“I’m writing things that matter, I’m making a difference. What about you? What are you doing with your LG phone and your blue jeans? I bet you bought those jeans at a Wal-Mart, didn’t you? Didn’t you?” Ulear said.
Beersmac, the initial escapee, began to talk again after several hours and bags of Doritos with flavors ranging from Cool Ranch to Classic Taco. “I’ll never be the same,” he said. “Never. I just can’t feel safe anymore. I mean, they didn’t even pay for my ticket on the F-Train. Can you believe that!? Nuh-uh, no way. That place can’t be trusted. Mark my words.”