November might be my least favorite month of the year. November always swallows up the last of warm temperatures and slings us headfirst into winter weather.
November means Thanksgiving, which is a glorious event in and of itself, but also begins the inevitable weight gain that continues well past Christmas.
November also occurs in the thick of the semester, when you are so swamped with projects you can barely breathe and the end seems nowhere in sight.
But I can think of nothing more horrible, more grotesque or more disturbing about this month than the tradition of No-Shave November.
I often wonder what kind of man thought up of this idea. He must have been incredibly lazy, without a sense of hygiene, and hopelessly single. That, or he had one awesome beard.
I completely understand the “lazy” part. Intrigued by the idea of going an entire month without lifting a razor and hoping to spite my boyfriend for participating in such a cause, I, too, participated in No-shave November last year.
After all, what’s the point of shaving continuously covered legs? They were not about to make an appearance in 40-degree temps and below. (Except maybe to give my boyfriend a peak of one hairy calf in hopes of proving how disgusting this tradition was in the first place.)
However, I did not make it the whole month because I could not for the life of me get past the “lack of hygiene” part. The first week was a little pokey, but that was nothing unusual for the winter months. The second week started to get really itchy, and I spent my classes trying to think of discrete ways to continuously scratch my legs. By week three, pulling on a pair of pants was torture. All day long, it was like a million tiny caterpillar legs were resisting every motion. How do guys do this?
In the end, though, my lack of sleep brought out the razor. My high core temperature insists I sleep in shorts, but the continuous rubbing of hairy legs as I tossed and turned in the night proved too much. I couldn’t handle it. Smooth legs it was.
But how can I compare hairy legs to a hairy face? Easily. Just as no guy wants to rub up against a girl’s hairy legs no girl wants to rub up against a patchy, pokey face.
I am convinced the creator of No-Shave November was single, because I know many guys who would be single if they refused to shave on a continual basis, including my own boyfriend.
Yes, this is completely personal. My boyfriend is champion of the “creepiest beard” at JBU for two years running. His “beard” (if you can call it that) grows in very thin patches at random places on his face. But what sets him apart are two clusters of mole hairs, which, if they go unattended, will grow a good two inches by the end of the month. Yes, it’s creepy. Yes, he’s proud.
Sure there are a handful of guys who provide perfect pictures of masculinity with their thick, handsome beards. But here at JBU they are few and far between. November leaves a majority of the male population looking like adolescent hobos.
So go ahead, throw away your razors, celebrate your manhood, participate in No-shave November. Me—and the rest of the female population—will just look the other way.