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Midnight Musings: Where the news is fresh and the coffee is decaf

Following the Melania Trump speech scandal, the Trump campaign has hired a new speech writer. Sources report that the new speech writer is a cat, named Demi Meower. The cat apparently has spent most of her time rolling across a keyboard, but the material she churns out is somehow much better than all of Trump’s previous speeches. It has been speculated that perhaps the Trump Campaign meant to hire Demi Moore, but unfortunately this cannot be confirmed.

Trump also recently unveiled structural plans to redesign the White House, should he become elected. The rough sketch consisted of a long entry hallway running north-south, connected at one end to another large hallway running east-west. The new design would include multiple levels, and countless guest-rooms. Early designs of the plan also included a mysterious “Apprentice Room,” though this was quickly removed from the blueprints.

When asked for comment, Trump remarked that “everybody loves the White House, but no one loves it more than me. I love it. It’s great. I’ve been saying I want to make America great again, and I think the White House should be great too. So yeah, I think it’s time for a change. People love change, and I know what people love. I’m always looking at the polls,
so I know what people love.”

On the Democratic side of things, the Clinton campaign is on high alert this week, following the release of Hillary Clinton’s high school yearbook photos. Clinton, though labeled “Most Likely to Marry Rich,” had no photos present in the yearbook. When the school was contacted in regards to the missing photo, the administration gave a satisfactorily vague answer about “misplacing the hard copies… probably due to operator error on behalf of the school secretary.”

This is not the rst bit of scandalous news to beset the Clinton campaign in recent past. Earlier in the month during a meet and greet, Clinton was unexpectedly caught in a small downpour. While most supporters trickled away for a more favorable setting, Clinton did not move, her face frozen in a painful smile. Witnesses reported hearing a small popping sound, accompanied by puffs of smoke from Mrs. Clinton. Two young men with thick glasses, white coats, and pocket protectors hurriedly covered Mrs. Clinton, and walked her stiffly to her vehicle. Some spectators reportedly observed the antenna of a remote in the back pocket of one of the men.

In news no less bizarre, in Rapids City, SD, a well known statue of former president John Adams came to life, and began walking around the city. Traumatized residents claim that the statue called itself the “Ghost of Election Past,” which had “come to warn of the danger of a two party system.” The statue stood in town hall and delivered a condemning warning to the public: “As I said before, so I shall say again: that there is nothing which I dread so much as a division of the republic into two great parties, each arranged under its leader, and concerting measures in opposition to each other. This, in my humble apprehension, is to be dreaded as the greatest political evil under our Constitution.”

An interview with one of the onlookers revealed a similar sentiment. John Stevens, 35, had this to say: “I definitely agree with this freaky ghost statue thing. Our political race has become such a joke. We’re supposed to be electing a great individual to lead our country, and instead it feels like reality television. At this point, I’d be more willing to vote for this statue than any of the current major candidates.”

Midnight Musings is a ctional satirical column. All opinons expressed in Midnight Musings are those of the writers and do not re ect those of the Threefold Advocate or John Brown University