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Midnight Musings: This is the way the world ends, #withawhimper

Courtesy of  JET HONDERICH
Courtesy of
JET HONDERICH

Facebook. Instagram. Twitter. Snapchat. We all have them. We all use them. The development of social media has taken hold of the American youth like nothing we’ve seen before in what political America has coined “The War On Clickbait.”

A recent study conducted by Dr. H. Tag of the South Eastern Lower Florida Institute of Education (S.E.L.F.I.E) found several disturbing statistics, including but not limited to the following:

93 percent of young adults (ages 15-27) own an active Facebook account. The remaining 7 percent were found checking their Myspace accounts at least semiweekly. While Myspace has not been found to deteriorate brain cells at the same rate as other social media platforms, the outlying 7 percent face an immense amount of social pressure, because they’re losers.

56 percent of young adult men have only ever made contact with females over Snapchat.

Screen time among young adults ranges from 0 to 24 hours a day.

87 percent of young adult females are facing early-onset facial arthritis due to over-use of cheek muscles while posing for Instagram.

100 percent of young adults are incapable of forming sentences longer than exactly 140 characters.

The area of the brain responsible for facial recognition is deteriorating in young adults, likely due to the fact that Facebook and Snapchat technologies are quickly replacing the evolutionary need to be able to recognize a face.

While correlation does not prove causation, there is a strong level of correlation between media status indicators (likes, followers, friends, etc.) and desperate psychological need for attention.

Facebook-ing and driving has led to an increase in data overage. While network providers are profiting from this, parents’ pocketbooks are draining.

Amidst a seemingly hopeless dilemma, Dr. H. Tag and his team at S.E.L.F.I.E. used their research to propose a number of solutions. For example, Dr. Tag recommends that teens spend at least thirty minutes a day attempting to consume their weight in diet soda. While this may seem on the surface like an unhealthy idea, it isn’t possible to consume your weight in soda in thirty minutes, so parents need not worry. Not to mention, Dr. Tag suggests diet soda only. His research shows that the tingling feeling of an immense amount of carbonation effectively replaces the false sense of hope and entitlement that a millennial receives from social media.

Dr. Tag’s second proposed alternative is a weekly game of dodgeball played with the newborn offspring of a Black Rhino. While the Black Rhino is considered to be “critically endangered,” the benefits of this sport far outweigh the consequences. In essence, the feelings of power associated with demolishing the endangered in a friendly game of dodgeball almost fully replaces the loss of popularity associated with social media (namely, Instagram).

Finally, Dr. Tag’s research team suggests that millennials replace Facebook with heroin. Simply put, heroin is far more addictive than the internet, and is certain to remove teens from the practice of social media entirely. Of the three listed alternatives, this one meets the second-highest level criticism (next to the diet soda); research shows, however, that Facebook related deaths plummet when combatted with the practice of heroin addiction.

 

“It’s called ‘walking’. It’s not very user friendly, and the PvP sucks, but there’ll be a day-one patch to fix that