Midnight Musings: announced with Trump-et sounds

In the midst of Modern America’s most historic presidential election cycle, it has become clear that whether we like it or not, we must now prepare for a Donald J. Trump presidency. Our staff here at the Threefold has been discussing the possibilities of the election for months. Among receiving the news that Trump hit the 270 Electoral College vote threshold, though, we’re left with a few gaping questions which must be answered before January’s inauguration.

  1. Who is the man?

Donald Trump has been portrayed by numerous actors throughout his candidacy. But who actually is he? Is he Saturday Night Live’s Darrell Hammond ? Is he Jimmy Fallon ? Alec Baldwin? That one kid’s impressively accurate Halloween costume? The truth of the matter is, he made the impressive leap from mediocre-reality-TV-star to Commander-in-Chief, and we are at a loss on who to congratulate.

  1. What about Lawn Care?

For years now, we’ve been distracted by the partisan divide on healthcare, so much that we seem to have lost track of a genuine issue at hand: will my lawn care rates stay the same? Or will they barley change at all? Is this why the city of St. Augustine, Florida voted for Trump? Should I sit on my Common Couch and just hope that Trump’s policy will float my oat? Rye is this happening? I have panicked until blue in the face. If reeding this issue has you bamboozled, have a seat at the fountain and get up-to-date on your lawn care. I for one hope that Donald looks to his wife, Molonia, for help.

  1. What happened to team instinct?

As we watched the results roll in Tuesday night and into Wednesday morning, we noticed that teams Valor (red) and Mystic (blue) smothered gyms in every state; Instinct, however, seemed to be missing entirely. Not a single state, not even a county in America showed up yellow on Tuesday’s map. Has the underdog gone completely missing?

  1. Will the secret service budget increase under Trump’s presidency?

In every picture we see of this man, he has a new kid. Under Obama’s presidency, the Service was only responsible for four members of the first family. Under Trump, though, the Service must take care of Donald himself, medium Donald, less medium Donald, little Donald, and all of the Donettes .

  1. Can someone please explain the electoral college?

What is the ACT requirement to get into the Electoral College? Where is their application? Are they on the Common App? What degree programs do they offer. I am in college, why don’t I get an electoral college vote?

  1. Is it too late to change the name of the president elect?

All policy aside, this question is serious. “Trump” is British slang for “Fart.” In England, it is common jargon to say “I just trumped my pants.” Imagine if England elected a Prime Minister Fart. We would never take them seriously. Certainly, for the sake of the country, Donald wouldn’t mind a name change. Maybe “President Breakswind.”

  1. Is Donald Trump related to Judge Judy?

Self explanatory.

  1. What will happen to Trump’s former opponent(s)?

Will Hillary fade back into the shadows of her dreaded email server? Will she continue any effort at public office? Or will she decide once and for all to form a book club with Ted Cruz, Ben Carson, and all of the other Trump victims ?

Beyond these questions, we at the Threefold are prepared to face the reality of a Trump presidency. We will put ourselves aside to prepare for the comb-over-overlord.