Depending on your geographical location, church denomination and family lifestyle, modesty might have been a controversial topic in your family. Typically, the more conservative and fundamentalist the Christian home, the more strict and severe in terms of modesty. For women rules often include: no pants, long skirts only, no shoulders showing — or ankles (heaven forbid!) — sometimes even hair covered. On the less extreme end, there are guidelines rather than rules, which was the case in my home, but, more than anything, I set modest rules for myself, which I now realize is not everyone’s privilege. However, my dad did say make-up made me look like a hooker, so I was discouraged from that.
As I have grown into adulthood and frankly have become more comfortable in my own skin, it has begged a lot of questions regarding modesty. This was never my experience growing up, but, upon hearing testimonies of other girls in households with extreme rules and learning more about fundamentalists like the Duggars, I realized modesty can be used as a power tool.
Whenever anything — finances or social groups — is controlled by someone else, there is an established imbalance of power. Obviously, when it comes to parenting, parents have rightful stewardship over their young children and should set healthy boundaries for their safety and care. However, as a child forms into an adult, many parents struggle with maintaining those healthy boundaries, which in turn prevent young adults from forming healthy boundaries with others moving forward. If a father controls his young daughter’s social life (whom she dates, whom she makes friends with, where she goes to school or church, etc.) on top of what she wears, it all becomes a method of controlling the young girl.
Oftentimes, these young women are reminded of the importance of strict modesty in both the name of Scripture and with subtle threats of danger from men: “If a boy sees you dressed like that, he’ll take advantage of you,” or, “Boys will think ‘dirty thoughts’ if you show too much leg,” and so forth. Essentially, this becomes victim shaming of young girls and continues to enable the stereotype that young men “can’t help themselves” instead of teaching boys self-control and to see women as people, not objects. The primary issue here is the fathers themselves. In these situations, they view their daughters, and women alike, as objects.
Creating biblical ties to strict modesty is borderline spiritual abuse, twisting God’s word to fit a father’s interpretation, which suits his power over the home. Verses used to continue strict modesty rules include 1 Peter 3:1-7, 1 Corinthians 6:13-20 and Romans 12:1-2. In his first letter to the Christians in the Dispersion, Peter comes from the perspective of having lived closely with Jesus for three years. Much of his message in 1 Peter concerns submission to Christ and being holy, just as Jesus was. Peter is not wrong by any means, as Christians should be set aside from the world since we are not of the world but of Christ. Another key theme in Peter’s letter is submission. Peter instructs everyone to submit to their authorities, such as slaves to their masters, people to their government and, of course, wives to their husbands. This is where the key verses come into play:
“Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear—but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands.” (1 Peter 3:3-5, ESV)
Initially, it sounds like Peter is telling women to submit to their husbands and to avoid wearing any jewelry or adorned clothing, fancy things. Given the context of the situation, which includes the persecution of the early Christian church, it makes sense why jewelry and fancy clothes were not at the top of the priority list — granted, they should never be at the top of any priority list. The priority, obviously, is to love God and love others above all. However, to shame young girls into not wearing jewelry is an extreme reading of the text. Shaming any woman who dresses up is certainly not loving.
Later in the letter, Peter is addressing the Christian wives of not yet converted husbands, and he says that, through love and submission, they may be saved, in other words, not bickering your husband to death about Jesus. Honestly, that’s not bad advice to simply love your partner and know their salvation is in God’s hands, not yours. Contextually and historically, the focus of all these verses is hardly in regard to women’s “adornment.”
In 1 Corinthians, Paul is writing to the Corinthian church, which had been struggling in the “sexual mortality department.” He writes to them:
Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ? Shall I then take the members of Christ and make them members of a prostitute? Never! Or do you not know that he who is joined to a prostitute becomes one body with her? For, as it is written, “The two will become one flesh.” But he who is joined to the Lord becomes one spirit with him. Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body.Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.” (1 Corinthians 6:15-20, ESV)
Paul is reminding his readers that we are part of Christ’s body, the body which was broken for our sins, and we ought to treat our earthly bodies with respect and care to honor God. This message was very important for the Corinthians to hear, and by extension it applies to us today in an increasingly over sexualized world. The body, just as Paul says, is a temple. So, if yourbody is a temple for God, why should an early father have control over it? Paul writes again in Romans about our bodies:
“Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” (Romans 12:1-2, ESV)
What Paul is saying is all true. Young men and women should not conform to the world, but stand apart from it at every turn, like Jesus Christ. It is not just about what you wear but by the renewing of your mind and knowing what God finds pleasing and honorable — not your daddy.
Some may claim the Bible is full of contradictions, that even the apostles in their letters contradict each other. I personally find God is the source to balance and that the Bible is not “yes, no” but “yes, and.” Modesty is about your body being a temple to God, and it is up to every individual person.
In John 8, the Pharisees try to test Jesus by asking him if they should stone this woman accused of prostitution. Famously, Jesus said, “Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her” (John 8:7, ESV). Jesus defended this woman, as he loved and defended women time after time throughout his life on Earth. In fact, the Bible is full of examples of women being raised up during times and cultures where they were consistently oppressed, such as Rahab, Deborah, Ruth, Esther and far more. Esther was in a beauty contest to win marriage to a pagan king, all to save the Hebrews!
When it comes to modesty, the Bible does not give a list of rules for skirt length, how long you should wear your hair, which make-up to use or how much to apply. It certainly doesn’t warn its readers to “beware the sexy ankles.” The Bible, through Peter, Paul and Jesus, expresses the truth: our bodies are temples, and we can honor God through them. It is up to every individual person to discern what is holy and honorable to God. For some, that may look like feeling more comfortable in a sweater than a crop top or vice versa, and that’s okay! Clothing, jewelry and make-up should never be the focus of one’s personality or life, but they are expressions of one’s individuality, and that in and of itself can be honoring to God. No person should tell another how to dress or how to do their hair. It is their body, a temple to God.
As this world becomes obsessed with looks and external beauty, especially on TikTok, Instagram and all the social media outlets, it is true that young people are eager to look like everyone else to find belonging. At the end of the day, it is not the eyeshadow or high heels which is the issue but the heart behind it.
Ask yourself, am I honoring God with my body, or am I trying to look beautiful to impress others? There is nothing wrong with feeling confident in your own skin because your skin is beautiful. God made it, after all! This is a topic without strict rules; no one person is the same.
The only father you should be listening to with regards to your body is your Heavenly Father, and He loves you very much. “I clothed you also with embroidered cloth and shod you with fine leather. I wrapped you in fine linen and covered you with silk. And I adorned you with ornaments and rput bracelets on your wrists and a chain on your neck.And I put a ring on your nose and earrings in your ears and a beautiful crown on your head. Thus you were adorned with gold and silver, and your clothing was of fine linen and silk and embroidered cloth. You ate fine flour and honey and oil. You grew exceedingly beautiful and advanced to royalty.” (Ezekiel 16:10-14, ESV)
Photo courtesy Katelyn Kingcade