You Asked! is the column where the staff of the Center for Healthy Relationships (CHR) answers your questions. Please send your questions to askchr@jbu.edu.
Q: I’m heading home over holiday break for the first time this semester. How do I navigate the “family drama” that I’m pretty sure will happen?
Let’s face facts. Family drama is a pain. We all know it when we see it, and we’re all pretty sure when we’re going to have to deal with it. But it can ruin a holiday break. And this year, with another contentious election in November, who knows what it’s going to be like?
Fortunately, when you’re sure it’s coming, it’s something you can prepare for, like that sweet potato casserole with marshmallows on top. And, like that casserole you might not like, you don’t have to be part of the family drama. What if, this year, you were an “agent of peace” instead?
Here are four suggestions to help you “survive” the family drama.
- Set your boundaries. Figure out ahead of time what you will and won’t tolerate. Be willing to step away from the group when your boundaries are crossed. You’re under no obligation to participate. So be ready to say, “Excuse me. I have to go take care of something.”
- Seek understanding. Often, family gatherings are seen as safe spaces where people can talk about what’s occupying their thoughts. If you listen, ask good clarifying questions, and reflect back what you’re hearing, you can make the other person feel understood. Remember, you don’t have to agree to understand.
- Speak up for yourself and others. You know best how your family communicates. So how might you speak up and assert yourself to stop family drama that is negatively affecting yourself or others? You can’t assume that other people know what your boundaries are if you haven’t communicated them.
- Remember the Imago Dei. In the middle of family drama, it can be difficult to remember that they were all created in the image of God. They aren’t perfect, but they are family. You really should try to honor your father and mother, and grandparents, and aunts and uncles. Don’t let them manipulate or walk over you, and don’t look to pick fights.
Spending time with family, particularly when you’ve been away at college for a few months, can be a stressful time. We know that. But the only thing you’re responsible for is responding in healthy ways to family drama, rather than reacting and joining in.
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