Midnight Musings: Study finds Americans oppose intolerance

Zach Bower

A new study conducted by Non-Bias Study Group Inc. shows that 90 percent of people in large cities and liberal arts colleges believe that white trash are less accepting of others, more hateful and close-minded. The study covered a wide range of people, spanning from young white college students all the way to 40-year-old white men who own micro-breweries. Non-Bias Study Group Inc. did manage to survey 15 people of color in their 600-person study. Of the 600 surveyed, a shocking 550 people claimed to have an international experience, with “international experience”  defined as taking Spanish in high school, having met a person from a foreign country or watching House Hunters International. Most of the participants also classified themselves as activists, and a further breakdown of the data showed the majority were “Facebook activists.” Facebook activists are people who selflessly give up their time to post hundreds of articles, emotional reflections and out of context quotes.

The study contained quotes from some of its participants. One compelling quote from a female college student said, “Those close-minded fools are ruining America. They need to change their culture, because it doesn’t work with mine.” This sentiment was shared by most of the people who were quoted. “Those people that live out in the country need to show more love to people,” cried a twenty-five-year-old barista. “They will throw around words like ‘black’ or ‘liberal’ like they’re dirty words. Hicks don’t pay attention to their words and how hurtful they can be.”

Non-Bias Study Group Inc. found 96 percent of people surveyed believe themselves to be between “loving” and “very loving.” One person even said “I’m super loving, but only if you agree with me. Aside from that I am a lover, big league.” It was also found that conservatives are seen as racist by a shocking 85 percent of people. The study also reported that 75 percent of the participants insisted, “I can say that, because I have black friends.” There were no quotes from anybody of color included in the study, but it was insisted that, “The people of color agree with our findings.”

The study concluded that people think it would be best if the hicks learned how to love others and stopped thinking about themselves. John White – a spokesman for Non-Bias Study Group Inc. – was quoted saying, “The American people are just tired of these bigots challenging their way of life. How dare they try to keep their farms running, when they could buy organic coffee from a real Colombian farm! They go to their Bible belt churches, but show no love.”

Those who disagree with the study claim that the study is, “One more example of the Russians creating fake news.” The study’s supporters, on the other hand, are saying, “It cannot possibly be Russian hackers, because the Clintons own the company.” Another group that also opposes the study has claimed, “That Non-Bias Study Group Inc. is actually an Illuminati run corporation, and the Clintons are its lizard overlords.” How the study will truly impact our society will be shown in due time. Are conservatives racist? Do 75 percent of the participants actually have black friends? Are the Illuminati’s lizard commanders just pulling the strings of politics? Only time will tell.